unstable | avalon inbox.

Azula...

[ He reaches his hand out to touch her back, then hesitates less than an inch away. What does he want from her? Only Azula can redeem herself, but... that can't be done without a chance to. He presses his hand to her back gingerly, palm warm and flat against her shoulder. ]

...I do. I do love you. You're my sister. And... I want to understand. It's just—

[ Always something else, it seems. He stops short again, words by the wayside, trying to imagine Azula in a "loony bin." Without having seen her in their Agni Kai, though Toph had told him it happened without telling him the ending, it's hard to imagine Azula in a place like that, still the perfect princess in his mind, the image of composure in the face of anything... ...She must have been miserable there, even if she was there for good reason. Which he has no evidence to say she was or wasn't. He can't trust himself. He can't trust her. But he wants to. She can speak to her own experience. He keeps his hand on her back. ]

...I'm trying to trust this version of you over the Azula I knew back home. I'm trying to trust that things changed. That you've changed. I don't know what happened in that time between your last memory and my last memory, but— obviously, a lot changed.

Yet again, I've done nothing in the months we've had together to make you doubt me, but the second someone new from home comes along we start back at what seems like square one. I'm tired of having this conversation with you.

[ Just like she cannot trust Zuko to not leave her, he just can't trust her at all. It certainly stings, she'd put forth a lot of effort in their new relationship to do better, even if it didn't necessarily come across that way sometimes. Azula rolls her shoulder to try and escape his touch, brow furrowing in frustration. ]

If you don't want us to be happy, all you have to do is say so.

[ Zuko withdraws his hand at the roll of her shoulder, and after a moment's hesitation, doesn't give up at that. He stands and gets up off the bed, kneeling on the floor at the edge of the mattress, resting before her curled up where she is and looking up at her from below with an uncharacteristically pleading look, but doesn't dare touch her again. He doesn't like being touched when he doesn't want to be, even if he knows it makes other people feel better to touch when they want to. And he wants to. It's so much easier to show his affection that way. Instead, he fumbles like this. ]

I want us to be honest — Azula! We're not at square one, I'm just— confused! [ How's it he's always "confused" about something... ]

This is something from years in your past! But it's news for me! I'm trying to make sense of that, I'm trying to make it make sense— I'm giving us a chance to be happy, don't you see that... I want to talk...! I'm hearing you out! I just— I need time. You know how important Mother was to me...!

Perhaps it would be easier to believe you if you didn't burst in here in the middle of the night packing a bag.

[ His actions do not equal his words. It seemed like it was always his first instinct to want to run from her, which was... troublesome. How could you love someone you couldn't trust, that you thought was inherently bad? Never did she think she would have issue playing the villain in his life, it was certainly an odd turn of events. ]

I told you what you wanted to know.

I'm not leaving. I'm coming back. I just— I need space. To think.

[ He sighs, deflating, and presses both hands to her kneecaps, still crouching on the floor before her at the edge of the bed. ]

Azula, if I stay... I'll just hurt you more. I don't want that. I don't want to say things I'll regret, or say things I don't mean— or worse, say things I do mean in the moment but then regret later...

[ He hangs his head, not bearing to look at her in this moment of uncanny self-awareness and cogency of his own. ]

You didn't do anything wrong. I told you not to tell me about my future. You didn't. I'm mad to find all this out, but— I know you don't deserve my anger. I promised you when Uncle arrived that I won't abandon you and I'm not. I just— I need to process this, okay?

[ If there's anything positive in any of this, it's her realization that he can't quite keep his hands off her. Each time she's shrugged him off he's found a way to touch her again, which is oddly comforting even if this conversation is definitely not. I'm coming back. Did he mean that? ]

Did you want anything else from me? If not, you should just go.

[ He gazes up at her at that, as a lump grows in his throat, his brow furrowing. ]

...I can come back, right?

[ No, she wants to lie, tell him to leave her alone so they can stop this roller coaster they're on for good. But she knows herself better than that, golden eyes searching for his, bringing him into focus for the first time since he came to her. ]

Do whatever you want, Zuko.

[ What does he know how to do better, than "whatever he wants?" His eyes lock on hers, searching for some shred of affection he knows deep down he's already torn up haphazardly. Gokudera'd warned him not to come here and just unload his confused, conflicted feelings on Azula, to consider what exactly it is he wants from her, to recognize she's innocent in this exact moment and if Zuko so truly believes in redemption and second chances and the power of change then that this is the time to offer those to her... But even in trying to heed such wise warnings, Zuko can't quite seem to keep his temper. His face looks stricken, then slowly morphs into heartbroken indignation. He drags both his hands down the length of her thighs unnecessarily with some pressure, landing at her kneecaps again as he steadies himself to stand once more, scowling as he does. ]

Fine. I'll be back in a few days.

[ That vague venom is back in his voice again. He hates the sound of it. He can feel a heat growing in his face, a pressure behind his eyes, that lump in his throat threatening what semblance of composure he's managed. He rises to his feet, standing taller than he had when he'd come in, throwing his glare away from her without moving right away. Just stands there before her by the bedside, looking away into the darkness. ]

[ The way he speaks and grasps at her is astounding, considering she'd not deserved any of this, again angry at her response like he didn't just blow up at her for nothing. He should have kept himself away, she'd have been better off alone in their apartment being angry about the Avatar instead of having to deal with Zuko's ridiculousness. He's looming in the darkness and he's not sure what he wants from her, so she shifts in the bed again, turning her back to him. ]

[ He frowns deeply at the sight of her turning away, staring at her back a second longer, but he turns away when he feels his good eye welling up. This whole situation feels fucked. He snatches his duffle bag he'd packed off the ground, grabs a couple more things as an afterthought, including his toothbrush from the bathroom. He lingers at the bedroom door with his hand on the knob, looking to her as if he might find some softer words to fix all this floating in the darkness between them, but... he doesn't. Which stings afresh. With a deep exhale, he slings his bag over his shoulder and steps out, the beam of light that shines in quickly cut off despite how softly he closes the door, a quiet click as the darkness of the room returns marking Azula's solitude.

Zuko's dragon has been frantically pacing the living room this whole time, sensing something's wrong behind closed doors, and taps its little feet frenetically at the sight of him, but Zuko doesn't respond with the soft affection he usually does. He just roughly picks the creature up with one hand, slings Zunyan over his shoulder too, who clambers and clings to grab a hold on his shirt, and makes his dramatic exit with a loud slam of the front door. He leaves the living room as it is, just as he'd found it in disarray, but now with all the lights carelessly left on to illuminate the mess. ]

Edited 2021-07-06 14:07 (UTC)

avalon inbox.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject