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What do you want to know?

[ Him being so close yet reluctant to touch her hurt more than it should. Azula had kept her future from him for good reason, she thought, able to pretend that she could be somebody Zuko might actually love and not stumble down the tumultuous path clearly made for her. She never actually hid anything, but perhaps he felt that not sharing was just as bad as lying. Or this was what just happened when the Avatar came into their lives, a headache built to destroy their family.

There was once a time where she thought she could confidently keep Zuko wrapped around her finger, and that faint thought makes her shift her leg just enough to brush against his wrist. ]

[ He notices the way she shifts her leg to brush against him, and the contact rips into the conflict he feels, torn between wanting to reach out and hold her, like some attempt to hold it together while it all feels like sand between his fingers. He doesn't know what he wants. It was only some minutes ago he was crying in Gokudera's arms over wanting her. Over wanting nothing to change. And here he is... enacting that change with a packed bag abandoned on the floor in the dark so he can dare to rest his hand on her leg with kid gloves, when this morning he'd kissed her like it was nothing. He doesn't know what he wants. Less than that, he especially doesn't know what to expect, but he can expect that things won't stay the same now. That much he can guess easily. It takes him pause, gaze cast aside and away from her, before he speaks up, eyes fixed on the floor. It's a lot that he's taking any thought at all to allow himself silence to consider his words; he's grown some. Still learning. ]

...Azula... I know we agreed back in Lunatia not to talk about the future. But— Gokudera left and came back, sort of. He confirmed nothing here affects the fate of our lives back home. And— ...now I need to know.

[ He turns to her with a most painful expression, distrust, hope, confusion, sadness, longing, mourning, all of it, written all over his face barely illuminated by the blue light that bleeds in through the blinds, voice thick with emotion he cannot hide even in the darkness... ]

What happened to Mom?

Edited 2021-06-16 03:08 (UTC)

[ He's doing his best to show her no ounce of affection and she can tell, keeping his voice steady like he'd pre-planned this entire conversation before he got here. No emotion meant nothing she could toy with, nothing she could get under and manipulate in her favor. For once, she didn't think she really deserved this. She draws her legs away, tucking them instead against her chest, increasing the rift between the two of them just like he wanted.

Especially now that his question is asked. It wasn't about what happened between them after their father abandoned her in the Fire Nation, it wasn't about the facility he put her in-- nothing that mattered. Just their mother. A woman that didn't want them, in the end. ]

Does it matter? [ Don't make her relive that moment. ] She is alive and well and back at your side, like you've always wanted. That should be enough.

"Does it matter?!" Wha— [ It's all he can do to keep from snarling, parroting the words. When she pulls her legs back after he places his hand on them, he recoils, too, scowling. ]

Of course it matters! And no, that's not enough! I need to know what happened, Azula...! She's our mother! I thought she was dead for years... A-And— [ He's getting emotional again. He takes a breath and tempers himself, but the stress he puts on this next name sounds almost threatening, his casual reveal, in case he's misread the meaning of the mess of the house. ]

And Aang told me today that she's alive and that you helped us find her in the future. In my future, I mean— your past. Tell me what happened.

She left us, Zuko!

[ If he wants to yell, she'll mimic him. When was the last time she really lost her temper? All of this could have been avoided. He could have crawled into bed beside her and she would have told him everything with no fear of him blaming or hating or hurting, now he'll get the information he needs and rip her from his life like an old band-aid. ]

She left the palace and us behind that night and that always should have been the end of it for you. Instead, we get to find her with a new face and no memory, given away willingly to some spirit so she could live a happy life with no guilt because she left her children behind.

[ She doesn't give him time to respond, but she does abruptly move forward, on hands and knees as she slams fists into the mattress in front of her. ]

She'd never wanted us and she started anew with a new husband and a new daughter and a new life, and even when we found her you just forgave her like it was nothing. And now you'll forgive her like it was nothing all over again.

[ Zuko's quiet, hearing all that, brow furrowed in thought as the words process. It's... a lot more to take in than he'd even expected. Not that he knew what to expect, of course. But it certainly wasn't... all that. ]

She was banished to save my life — she didn't just leave us, Azula! Father sent her away! Did she— ...She killed Grandfather Azulon, didn't she?! To save me? That day in the throne room. The last day.

[ He's trying so hard to keep things neutral like he was advised to, and it's difficult. He swallows back all the emotions that haven't had time to stir yet. ]

On the Day of Black Sun, during the eclipse, I spoke with Father — he told me she did "terrible, treasonous things" that day, for which she was banished. But he didn't know if she was alive or dead. That's... That's all I know. But— ...she returns? How do you know all this?

She killed our grandfather to protect you.

[ They both know why, she'd taunted him about what she overheard when they were still children and it was hours later that their mother disappeared. Azula got a stern talking to and never saw her ever again, no kindness or love in her words before she vanished into thin air. She squeezes her hands into fists so tight her knuckles turn white, returning her gaze to the blankets in front of her. ]

But leaving us with our father was hardly protection. Look at what happened to us.

[ Zuko living in exile, Azula alone with Ozai which only increased her silent suffering (unbeknownst to her until it was too late). The competition between them grew greater with no one to wedge a foot in between them, their mother leaving was the final marker of her and Zuko's inability to ever really be a family. Maybe. Ursa's inability to love her probably would have encouraged the same relationship.

She continues talking, not wanting her last words to hang in the air, still bothered by the implication behind them. ]

She'd written letters to her lover the entire time she lived in the palace with father, but father was able to intercept all of them. One in particular he charged me with finding, a final attempt for him to remove you from the throne-- she'd claimed that you were not his, but her lovers. It was just her way of figuring out whether or not her letters were actually getting out of the palace, but together, along with your idiot friends, it led us to her.

[ "Look at what happened to us." The words drag Zuko's heart down into his gut, feeling something plummet inside, his gaze dropping and his face falling with it. She had a good point there (though he's still better off than dead). Azula is... speaking good sense... and he's bothered by the implication of those words, too. He's coming to see Azula in another light, having never seen her as a victim of Ozai's by comparison to himself, but... it's becoming clear to him they're all victims of Ozai's in different ways. Him, her, and Ursa included. But his heart wants to defend his mother just as much as it always has, so the accusations hurt, make him angry, even if she's speaking soundly. It's all he can do to bite his tongue and focus on the low-hanging fruit here. ]

She— ...Was she lying? Is our father really my father?

Unfortunately, it was a lie. [ A beat. ] I'm sure the version of you back home knows more to the story, discovering her together was the last time I saw you for over a year.

[ That is the truth, at least. What she knows is mostly what Ozai told her and what they discovered before Azula violently confronted her, which is absolutely fine with her considering she has no interest in ever hearing Ursa's story. There was no forgiveness in her heart for that woman, and she had little relief when they finally found her. Reliving it now was bringing back those painful feelings, another reason why she'd decided to never mention her. ]

A year? Why?! What happened on that journey? Did you fight me — or my friends? Aang said something...—

[ But he stops himself short. The truth is, Aang didn't say much. He told Azula he'd told Zuko "everything," but the bulk of what Aang really told Zuko was "talk to Azula." He leans back in the bed, settling in, showing he's not going anywhere, fully invested in this conversation Azula is clearly not enjoying. Why should she? But that's not really important to him. It's not an enjoyable topic. His head is spinning with questions, his brow knotted in thought, but he knows he's not going to get closure from this conversation... just information. Azula can't bring him closure. Ursa herself might not even be able to, if he were hearing it all straight from her, the way things actually went down. There's little comfort to be had. ]

[ She frowns. Azula slides off the bed so she can further herself from him, folding her arms tightly across her chest. Really, how dare the Avatar. She should have killed him. It's hard for her words not to come out in a snarl, but with a bit of a struggle she manages to keep her anger at bay. ]

Before all of this, you put me in the loony bin. That's where you would have returned me to if I went back with you to the Fire Nation.

[ Because despite the great things she had accomplished, her legacy in the end was just madness. A false narrative that made her sick every time she thought about forgetting Avalon, Lunatia, and having to return back to her real life. ]

I never wanted to tell you any of this because I wanted to believe this version of you wouldn't have ever done that to me. [ She's quiet, suddenly, and then she laughs. It's hollow, sad, and she finishes as she leans against the wall, back turned to him. ] Because I thought maybe this version of you could love me.

Azula...

[ He reaches his hand out to touch her back, then hesitates less than an inch away. What does he want from her? Only Azula can redeem herself, but... that can't be done without a chance to. He presses his hand to her back gingerly, palm warm and flat against her shoulder. ]

...I do. I do love you. You're my sister. And... I want to understand. It's just—

[ Always something else, it seems. He stops short again, words by the wayside, trying to imagine Azula in a "loony bin." Without having seen her in their Agni Kai, though Toph had told him it happened without telling him the ending, it's hard to imagine Azula in a place like that, still the perfect princess in his mind, the image of composure in the face of anything... ...She must have been miserable there, even if she was there for good reason. Which he has no evidence to say she was or wasn't. He can't trust himself. He can't trust her. But he wants to. She can speak to her own experience. He keeps his hand on her back. ]

...I'm trying to trust this version of you over the Azula I knew back home. I'm trying to trust that things changed. That you've changed. I don't know what happened in that time between your last memory and my last memory, but— obviously, a lot changed.

Yet again, I've done nothing in the months we've had together to make you doubt me, but the second someone new from home comes along we start back at what seems like square one. I'm tired of having this conversation with you.

[ Just like she cannot trust Zuko to not leave her, he just can't trust her at all. It certainly stings, she'd put forth a lot of effort in their new relationship to do better, even if it didn't necessarily come across that way sometimes. Azula rolls her shoulder to try and escape his touch, brow furrowing in frustration. ]

If you don't want us to be happy, all you have to do is say so.

[ Zuko withdraws his hand at the roll of her shoulder, and after a moment's hesitation, doesn't give up at that. He stands and gets up off the bed, kneeling on the floor at the edge of the mattress, resting before her curled up where she is and looking up at her from below with an uncharacteristically pleading look, but doesn't dare touch her again. He doesn't like being touched when he doesn't want to be, even if he knows it makes other people feel better to touch when they want to. And he wants to. It's so much easier to show his affection that way. Instead, he fumbles like this. ]

I want us to be honest — Azula! We're not at square one, I'm just— confused! [ How's it he's always "confused" about something... ]

This is something from years in your past! But it's news for me! I'm trying to make sense of that, I'm trying to make it make sense— I'm giving us a chance to be happy, don't you see that... I want to talk...! I'm hearing you out! I just— I need time. You know how important Mother was to me...!

Perhaps it would be easier to believe you if you didn't burst in here in the middle of the night packing a bag.

[ His actions do not equal his words. It seemed like it was always his first instinct to want to run from her, which was... troublesome. How could you love someone you couldn't trust, that you thought was inherently bad? Never did she think she would have issue playing the villain in his life, it was certainly an odd turn of events. ]

I told you what you wanted to know.

I'm not leaving. I'm coming back. I just— I need space. To think.

[ He sighs, deflating, and presses both hands to her kneecaps, still crouching on the floor before her at the edge of the bed. ]

Azula, if I stay... I'll just hurt you more. I don't want that. I don't want to say things I'll regret, or say things I don't mean— or worse, say things I do mean in the moment but then regret later...

[ He hangs his head, not bearing to look at her in this moment of uncanny self-awareness and cogency of his own. ]

You didn't do anything wrong. I told you not to tell me about my future. You didn't. I'm mad to find all this out, but— I know you don't deserve my anger. I promised you when Uncle arrived that I won't abandon you and I'm not. I just— I need to process this, okay?

[ If there's anything positive in any of this, it's her realization that he can't quite keep his hands off her. Each time she's shrugged him off he's found a way to touch her again, which is oddly comforting even if this conversation is definitely not. I'm coming back. Did he mean that? ]

Did you want anything else from me? If not, you should just go.

[ He gazes up at her at that, as a lump grows in his throat, his brow furrowing. ]

...I can come back, right?

[ No, she wants to lie, tell him to leave her alone so they can stop this roller coaster they're on for good. But she knows herself better than that, golden eyes searching for his, bringing him into focus for the first time since he came to her. ]

Do whatever you want, Zuko.

[ What does he know how to do better, than "whatever he wants?" His eyes lock on hers, searching for some shred of affection he knows deep down he's already torn up haphazardly. Gokudera'd warned him not to come here and just unload his confused, conflicted feelings on Azula, to consider what exactly it is he wants from her, to recognize she's innocent in this exact moment and if Zuko so truly believes in redemption and second chances and the power of change then that this is the time to offer those to her... But even in trying to heed such wise warnings, Zuko can't quite seem to keep his temper. His face looks stricken, then slowly morphs into heartbroken indignation. He drags both his hands down the length of her thighs unnecessarily with some pressure, landing at her kneecaps again as he steadies himself to stand once more, scowling as he does. ]

Fine. I'll be back in a few days.

[ That vague venom is back in his voice again. He hates the sound of it. He can feel a heat growing in his face, a pressure behind his eyes, that lump in his throat threatening what semblance of composure he's managed. He rises to his feet, standing taller than he had when he'd come in, throwing his glare away from her without moving right away. Just stands there before her by the bedside, looking away into the darkness. ]

[ The way he speaks and grasps at her is astounding, considering she'd not deserved any of this, again angry at her response like he didn't just blow up at her for nothing. He should have kept himself away, she'd have been better off alone in their apartment being angry about the Avatar instead of having to deal with Zuko's ridiculousness. He's looming in the darkness and he's not sure what he wants from her, so she shifts in the bed again, turning her back to him. ]

[ He frowns deeply at the sight of her turning away, staring at her back a second longer, but he turns away when he feels his good eye welling up. This whole situation feels fucked. He snatches his duffle bag he'd packed off the ground, grabs a couple more things as an afterthought, including his toothbrush from the bathroom. He lingers at the bedroom door with his hand on the knob, looking to her as if he might find some softer words to fix all this floating in the darkness between them, but... he doesn't. Which stings afresh. With a deep exhale, he slings his bag over his shoulder and steps out, the beam of light that shines in quickly cut off despite how softly he closes the door, a quiet click as the darkness of the room returns marking Azula's solitude.

Zuko's dragon has been frantically pacing the living room this whole time, sensing something's wrong behind closed doors, and taps its little feet frenetically at the sight of him, but Zuko doesn't respond with the soft affection he usually does. He just roughly picks the creature up with one hand, slings Zunyan over his shoulder too, who clambers and clings to grab a hold on his shirt, and makes his dramatic exit with a loud slam of the front door. He leaves the living room as it is, just as he'd found it in disarray, but now with all the lights carelessly left on to illuminate the mess. ]

Edited 2021-07-06 14:07 (UTC)

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